Why Does Cheyenne Hate Streetlights?
Hello Cheyenne! My name is Ben. I moved to the city just over a month ago, near the end of October. I came to the Equality State for work and really like it here! It’s beautiful, the people have been awesome, and I’m closer to my extended family.
I came from eastern South Dakota, where I lived for about a decade. But, before that I lived in central Nebraska for a bit, and grew up just across the boarder in the Nebraska panhandle. So, I’m no stranger to the wind. Other people who’ve moved here have merely adopted the wind. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see the wind stop until I was already a man. It’s windy here, I get it.
I’m also glad to be back in a place where winter usually only lasts a day or two at a time. Then it’s back into the 30’s. Eastern South Dakota is basically the Minnesota tundra. Sure it’s very green, but the trade off is 15 below zero from October to March. Maybe I’m exaggerating. March does get a little above zero, sometimes.
As happy as I am to be back in the climate of my youth, and back where Mexican food has flavor and green chilies; there is one weird thing I’ve noticed about Cheyenne.
Why Does Cheyenne hate streetlights?
As near as I can tell, outside of downtown, and various big-box parking lots, there are no streetlights in Cheyenne. Not traffic lights, I’m talking about the lights that make the night not dark. You know, because people don't have the eyes of a cat.
The street I live on doesn’t have them. The street that goes from the main road to my street doesn’t have them. I’m pretty sure I could count the number of streetlights in south Cheyenne on one hand.
In one very unscientific survey of Fox Farm Road, Collage Drive and other various streets that Google Maps mispronounces, there are a total of zero streetlights between where I live and Walmart. That’s the place in town I’ve been to the most so far. I’ve been to lots of other cool places, but I end up there four times a week at least.
This is especially vexing because it’s the time of year where the sun is at it’s laziest. If I have to be up and doing stuff you can stay awake past four sun! Are you the sun or a bear? Quit your hibernating. I have to go to the store for the one thing that I need to make dinner with.
Anyways, I have a couple theories about Cheyenne’s streetlight deficiently.
First, it could be the influence of hippies. I spend a few months in Santa Fe, New Mexico a few years back. I know the wrath of the loudmouth hippie. They don’t like people that wear perfume, they use soap that doesn’t work, and those goofballs won’t shut-up about ‘light pollution.’
Look, I choose to live in a city for lots of reasons. One of them is that I don’t want to live in nature. Nature is dirty, cold, and dark. I live in town to not be dirty, cold, or in the dark. Just because you don’t have anything to do after 5:00 PM doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t.
This is Wyoming, if you have that strong a hankering for the wilderness, pack up your overpriced sage oil and drive a mile in any direction. There you go, all the darkness you need. I don’t want to commune with nature while I make a run to the store at 10:00 PM.
If you hate streetlights that much get working on Star Trek teleporter technology. Then I can achieve my life-long dream of never having to wear pants or socks and still be able to go places, and you can have all the dark streets you want.
My other theory about why there is lack of streetlights in Cheyenne is I think the most likely. Vampires.
I think that Cheytown must have a large voting block that has, for decades, supported city government candidates that run on vampire favorable platforms. Such as no turtlenecks, flavorless food, and no streetlights. I had a delicious meal at a local restaurant last night served by a lady in a sweater. So it seems that the politicians have only been able to deliver on the one issue.
Look, I get it. I read all of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. Well, not all of them. I gave up after Blood and Gold. We get it Ann, they wear beautiful clothes, I don’t need fifty pages describing a hundred year old button. I watched all of The Strain, and Cassidy is my third favorite character on Preacher (Team Tulip!). So I know all about the needs of the Dracula. In fact if any Draculas want to hang out, I’m down, as long as I can BYOB. I’m sure you understand. Fake Klingon Blood Wine is about as close as I can get.
But, maybe the city can work out a compromise. I bet with the advances in LED technology, there are light bulbs out there that can light up the night for us non-vamps, and not burn the flesh of our more Nosferatu-ish citizens. Or maybe we could offer something like free sunglasses and parasols for those that do their business at night.
That’s my first impressions of Cheyenne. I really like it here, and fall in love with it more every time I explore deeper into this little corner of southeastern Wyoming. I’m excited to be a part of the community!
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